Let me take you back to a younger Me.
2014-2016. 19-21 years old.
This is unimaginable to me now, but back then, I’d do whatever I had to do to make sure that I had plans on the weekends.
I know! Who even was I??
I would actually feel depressed if Thursday came around and I still hadn’t made weekend plans with anyone.
Why? Yes, I was afraid of being alone, for one.
But it was more so about what I made that mean.
Alone on a Friday night = unwanted.
And I know that there are so many of you, especially younger people, who need to hear this story.
I believed that it meant something negative about me when I had nothing to do on a Friday.
I look back now at my young, introverted, highly sensitive self, and I think, what?? Taylor, go and watch the sunset. Listen to music. Journal. BREATHE, for God’s sake. You don’t NEED to go and fill your body with Mich Ultra and then wake up feeling alone and sad again.
And yet– I had yet to learn that.
My sense of self was so warped, I thought that fitting into that “party girl” mold made me more likeable and wanted. I felt wanted when I got invited somewhere, and I felt unwanted when I didn’t. I felt likeable when I had a boy to bring to a party with me, and I felt unlikeable when I didn’t.
I felt like I needed that feeling of wanted, of likeable, to not feel as if I was drowning in my own void.
And THAT was a double-edged sword if I’ve ever seen one, because I felt so anxious at these parties, that to make myself comfortable, I had to get wasted every time. I came to realize eventually that the alcohol enhanced that feeling of loneliness. And then I wanted to fill the loneliness with more parties and alcohol.
If you’re like me and you see yourself in this… Know that you are okay, even when nobody invites you out on a Friday night. Those voices that say that you’re unwanted are not only BS, they’re societal conditioning. They’re not YOU.
Those are the voices of your high school bullies, who filled their insecurities with more fake friends, and made you feel bad for having a smaller circle, or for enjoying your solitude.
Know that there’s a way out of that negative thought spiral. I myself have come a LONG way. But…
When we’re young– high-school and college-aged– we tend to see our worth in the parties that we get invited to, and the way that people receive us when we’re there.
I compulsively got wasted, and I embodied the crazy party girl persona every time, because I was desperate to NOT be seen as the quiet, sensitive, anxious girl anymore. So desperate to be seen as what the world (via my peers) signaled I SHOULD be.
I got attention when I went out of control. It was embarrassing at times. At times, I began to notice alcoholic tendencies creeping in– for example, once I’d get drunk enough, I could not stop drinking until I was asleep.
I caught myself.
At one point at 19-20 years old, I was getting high every day.
I caught myself.
I forgive myself; I was hurting. AND it was normalized for me to lose control. I don’t blame anyone but myself, but I do forgive myself.
I quit partying. I quit binge drinking. Because I know who I am now. I knew, when my body started sending me certain signals, that it was time to stop. I knew that the drunk crying and the hangover depression were bad signs.
Hurting, desperate Taylor– I forgive you. I see you. You only wanted to feel wanted, and you wanted that so badly.
Yet here I am. Finding so many ways to get excited about who I am in 2020, when 2014 Taylor couldn’t hardly think of a thing she liked about herself.
Here I am, finding out what it actually means to feel excited about Me.
The thing is: 2014 Taylor journaled. 2015 Taylor was in therapy. 2016 Taylor started meditating. 2017 and 2018 and 2019 Taylor traveled solo.
The thing is, I was on the right path all along.
I never could’ve “fixed” it overnight. (It’s still not “fixed”, and I’m not expecting it to be fixed anymore.) The thing is, it takes time. I was never wrong. I was trying. I was doing the best I could with what I had. I was exactly where I needed to be.
And if you’re there, I see you, too. If you’re there, feeling lost like I did, you will get unstuck. Keep doing the work. You’ll learn what self-love means. It happens in pieces. Go easy on yourself. Take it slow.
It takes time. I see you.
Now, what about today? What about present and future Taylor?
SHE knows and continues to discover who she is.
LOVING the hell out of her sensitivity, quietness, and weirdness. LOVING that she doesn’t fit into any mold.
She can FEEL who she’s on Earth to be. And THAT itself doesn’t fit into just one category. It’s undefinable; it’s something that’s felt, not explained.
She embraces her weirdness. She knows that she never will be for everyone.
She’s bold in gentle ways, no longer believing that she has to be “out there” to “prove” that she’s this strong female character. She knows that what SHE feels about herself is much more important than how she’s perceived. If she feels bold, strong, and confident, then she is.
Now, she can hold herself in her pain rather than desperately trying to escape it. She knows that her pain is not her fault. She knows that nobody else can say what’s best for her. Nobody else has lived in her head since 1995. She alone knows what it’s like to be her. Nobody else can tell her what she needs.
And she is okay.
Feeling like she has a place on this planet. Feeling like she deserves celebration, not abandonment. This has always been her purpose: to discover that she is divine. To remember that she is not unlovable. She is magic.
We live in a collectively self-hating world– so she is here to remember the truth. That her self-hate is bullshit. It’s conditioned. It’s entirely false.
It’s not who she is… because she is love. Beauty. Radiant angelic divinity.
It’s when you start to actually feel these things about yourself… You realize that you’re not who you thought you were.
You’re not lost. Not broken. Not wrong. You have always been where you needed to be.
It’s when you start to feel these things about yourself, that your purpose (whatever that is) begins to dawn.
Loving who you are ignites your purpose. Hating who you are obscures your purpose.
But your purpose can’t stay hidden forever. It’ll show its face sooner or later.
You are getting there.