I want you to think of the most amazing song you’ve ever heard.
Think of the most beautiful song that hurts your heart and brings tears to your eyes when you hear it.
Think of the most incredible view you’ve ever seen. The most breathtaking sunrise or waterfall or ancient monument.
This likely comes easily to artists and travelers… Think of your most amazing performance or your most moving piece of work. Think of that place that you’ll never forget.
Think of how you felt when you heard that song. When you witnessed that view. When you explored that city. When you completed that artwork or closed out that performance.
Feel it in your heart.
What you feel there…
Is exactly what you ARE at the soul level.
Magic. Artwork. Music. Nature. Beauty.
I’m not being metaphorical; this is literally what you are made of. And once you experience how ridiculously awe inspiring you actually are, at your core… You might never look at yourself the same way.
I spent all of January re-grieving someone I lost when I was not even 18 years old. (I talk more about that experience here)
That spontaneous revival of old, buried grief has led me to a deep understanding of my own magic.
How, though? How could a tragic death lead me to a greater, more magical knowledge of myself? How could being sad lead me to joy? How could loss point the way to self-love? How could death inspire purpose?
After all of the re-grieving,
all of the crying,
all of the contemplating about where I believe my lost friend went to, after that day in March of 2013,
all of the feeling,
and all of the ways I noticed just how much he is right here with me even still,
Here’s what I eventually realized.
He’s not “gone”.
He has become something more beautiful than any words could ever describe.
The truth is, thinking about death (rather than running away from thinking about death) really blows everything out of the water. It really invites you to get real (in the most loving way possible). It challenges you to see yourself through the eyes of those who have crossed over. It asks you to envision yourself as what you’ll be when you eventually cross over.
It lifts the veil of your conditioning and shows you what is real about this life.
And so now, I know this to be true:
We are all made out of literal magic.
How do I know that?
Because when I go into my heart, and experience the essence of this sweet person who suddenly died in a horrific car accident, that’s exactly what I feel:
Divine awe-inspiring extraordinary fucking beautiful MAGIC.
That’s what he is now. That’s all he is. That’s the entirety of his existence.
I know this for sure, when I remember the days following his passing.
From the moment I learned he’d died, all the memories I had of him felt amplified.
As if I’d recorded every moment I’d spent with him on an old-fashioned film, and then, the second he’d died, he’d held those memories up to the burning sun.
I know this for sure when I remember how, in the few years after he passed, it continued to feel that way:
Every time I thought of him, there was a sadness, but there was also this sweet, glowing warmth.
In the eight years that followed, I’d sometimes have dreams about spending time with him again, and I’d wake up not feeling sad, but safe. Joyful.
For a long time, I didn’t think much of it. I figured it was just nostalgia. Now, though, I understand: I feel that way, because that’s exactly what he is now.
He’s a flash of lightning. He’s a beam of sunlight peeking through the clouds. He’s the sound of angels singing or the sight of the flowers blooming in the spring.
I know this sounds totally cutesy and metaphorical, but again, believe me: I’m being completely literal. There’s a deep, indescribable knowing, that he is an intangible, undefinable essence as magnificent as the stars and galaxies and nebulas and supernovas all put together.
I believe that we ALL are this intangible essence of beauty at our cores. We contain love within us, we are made of love, and we become nothing but love when we leave our bodies behind.
Yet, what’s different for us living humans, is that our sweet essence is contained in a physical body. This is an amazing thing in and of itself– but sometimes, our conditioning gets in the way while we’re down here on Earth, and convinces us that we’re not made of love, not lovable, not beautiful.
So, when we die, I see us all (each and every one of us) re-merging with this force of love so gorgeous that words can’t even describe it.
The best part is, though: we don’t have to wait until we die to experience what we really are. The whole point of living is to experience that intrinsic magic while we’re down here.
This is… experiencing the wonder of life, even the mundane shit.
This is being okay with who you are, and being okay with the idea that you are not here to please everybody.
This is knowing that you are who you are for a reason; you’re not “broken” or wrong, and you’re not here to change yourself to fit in.
This is knowing that you are loved– even when you mess up, fail, and make wrong choices.
This is not:
Bypassing all of the trauma and oppression you feel.
This is not about saying “we’re all made of love” in an effort to make all bad feelings and memories and wounds disappear. That won’t happen, and that’s not what this divine love wants you to do, anyway.
It doesn’t want you to bypass, ignore, suppress, or run away.
What I’ve experienced, rather, is that this unconditional force of love wants us to hold ourselves, so carefully and lovingly (like we’ve probably never been taught to do before), through our pain. To witness our pain and say to ourselves, “I see you. I know that this feels like crap. I love you still. You deserve to feel better.”
Not toxic positivity. Not “it could be worse” or “just be grateful”. Divine love wants us to feel held the way a mother would hold a crying baby.
That is what I want for you.
I want to see you:
At ease with exactly who you are, rather than trying to become someone else.
Centered in your heart, which LOVES YOU, rather than living from inside of a hyper-critical mind which beats you up at every turn.
Moving through your life with the knowledge that what you are, deep down, is something as awe-inspiring as the universe itself.
I want you…
To feel the universal thread of love that created you, that is a part of you, and that you will return to when your life ends.
To see that you’re worth so much more than constant self-criticism.
To remember exactly who you are (ps: who you are is ridiculously miraculous, even when you’re not doing or accomplishing ANYTHING.)
Why aren’t we all there? Because most of us learned that self-hate is good, is the way to live our lives. It’s BS, but it’s not your fault.
Can we see what’s real, though? Can we stop living life feeling like, if we just achieve one more milestone, THEN we’ll be “good enough”? Is that possible?
And we’ll be able to do SO much more good in the world once we tap into our badass true selves.
There’s a part of you that knows. And so, my question for you is: how would you live if you knew?
Knew that you had nothing to prove or chase.
Knew that your heart deserves all of the love in the Universe… even when you’re not giving, working, or accomplishing.
Our soul’s memories know that this is true.
When we go there, into our soul memories, we can unlock our love for ourselves. Unlock our knowledge of how imperfectly perfect we actually are.
We can go deep into the soul– the core of who you are– in order to remember. Remember your infinite worth. Remember your spirit, your playfulness, your aliveness. Remember how loved you always have been. Remember and revere your lessons. Celebrate all you’ve learned. Cherish this little part of your soul’s journey.
Because who you are is so much bigger than this body.
And you are loved.
No, that won’t “fix” all of your problems.
Yet, how much easier would life feel if you treated yourself the way that Universal love wants you to treat yourself? How much more resilient would you feel? How would you treat others as a result? How much more could you serve? How much better could you feel?
You have a choice…
A choice to stay in the conditioning that tells you to dislike yourself,
Or to open yourself to the possibility… That maybe you don’t even know (yet) how incredible you are.
There’s never any punishment for choosing “wrong”.
Only a sweet invitation to think a little differently about yourself.
Will you give yourself permission to choose?